at just past 2 months with Hank, there are so many moments that seem significant. They come and go so quickly, he changes from happy to sad to sleepy in just a minute. I wish I could say I have loved every minute - and in a way, I have, but it is also hard and sad and intense and nerve-wracking. I wish I felt like I knew what I was doing, but between the sleep deprivation, more on that later, and the new-ness of it all, I get pretty overwhelmed.
Which isn't to say there haven't been some amazingly sweet and wonderful times. Hank loves to interact with us, and generally breaks into a huge grin when he wakes up and we go in to get him. He loves to play while getting his diapers changed and thinks his bath is a riot - he laughs and splashes during it. I try to read to him every day, and have a collection of poems, A Family of Poetry, edited by Caroline Kennedy that we read from. He loves to hear my voice, and seems to delight in this simple, quiet, fun. Of course, he also "talks" back while I am reading. He likes to watch the ceiling fans go around, and tolerates tummy time sometimes quite well - he does let us know when he is done!
In general, he is a happy boy, very sweet and snugly. Except when he is not! And that generally involves going to sleep. Right now he is fighting sleep! Last week it was in the day-time, this week more at night. When he wakes up, he cannot get back to sleep, and I often find myself rocking him in the dark, trying not to fall completely asleep too. He is still in his pack and play to sleep, but is quickly getting so big, I wonder how long it will last. In general, he is growing so much - next week we go to the doctor and I'm dying to see how much he weighs! It seems like some mornings I go in to get him and he looks bigger then he did the night before!
About this, I find myself worrying, as I seem to be doing with everything. Is it ok that he is not on a more regular schedule? How will I figure out how to return to work? How will I ever find the time to exercise? What will happen to my body? Where is my brain? Will it come back? Will this kid ever go to sleep? I am tortured when I'm annoyed that he isn't sleeping, and of course, the lack of sleep for me doesn't help. I just hope in the next few weeks it all begins to sort out a bit more.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
6 weeks and counting
We have just past the 6 week mark, and I have a few - very few - minutes to write and reflect about all that has gone on. It feels like time is going by so quickly - and yet I am living in a vacuum where I measure minutes by the amount of time Hank has slept, when he is supposed to wake, and how much he has eaten. Life happens in 3 hour increments. I feel like I am holding my breath a lot. Overall, it's been good and is getting better. Though I feel like I cross my fingers every time I say that. I always fear he will never go back to sleep - so far no matter what he goes down around 10pm, this is largely just my anxiety talking - but I can't seem to shake it.
There are been some rough days - I had mastitis during the 4th week - yikes that is hard and scary! Though I recovered quickly, it was 24 hours of basically sleeping and feeding Hank. I've been trying to learn from that lesson, and try not to do too much - to make sure I nap every day and drink enough liquid. We also had a visit from a lactation specialist - I was holding Hank too far forward and not pulling him close enough to my body when he eats. That helped a lot - but HHT is still a bit of a wiggly boy, who likes to try to use his hands when he eats - for what? I know not! and tries to push off the arm of the rocking chair when he gets' tired - the better to keep himself awake! He is a wily little boy - but I feel like I'm getting much better at reading his signs.
Hank has learned to smile in the past week and often wakes with a grin. He is eating well and now weighs over 10lbs - yikes, is going to keep growing like this? He has already grown out of his newborn clothes, though his 3-6 month outfits are pretty big. He really doesn't cry much, but squawks and coos to see if we are around. If we ignore him, he can work up quite a wail when he is serious. Now that we are at the 6th week, our schedule is beginning to stabilize. It's nice when I can actually plan for a shower! and we can eat without one of us running in to calm him. Also, since he is awake a bit more, we have more time to play!
He likes to listen to music, and I often play the list I made for him in itunes - I made it the first week or so he was home - and I think it might be time for a new one. I'll try to post it when I can. He really reacts to some of the songs, and it's fun to see his reaction.
I keep thinking - "wow, 6 weeks" it goes by so quickly! I cannot imagine how women deal with going back to work at this point - it's too soon. I can barely get a shower, dress myself and eat 3 times a day - and that is with Terry home full-time as well. I know we are lucky - our jobs give us so much more flexibility then most people, and this time off is heaven! I love just being with him - watching him wake up, seeing his smiles and chuckles, watching him watch things - he loves the ceiling fans! We do such a disservice to families in the US by not investing in maternity leave and child care the way other countries do. It breaks my heart to even think about going back to work - and it's not for 3 months still!
Today it is so hot! and has been - and will be. Hank is a little off his game - sleeping more, but not eating as well. Stress for Mommy - both mental and physical! It is so bad, we really can't take him out in this weather, so I'm starting to feel a little house bound! Because he isn't eating as well, his sleep schedule is off - arrgh! Just one more day and hopefully we will be back to "normal".
I can't say enough how much I am depending on Terry, or how much I am appreciating everything he is doing. From changing poopy diapers, to walking the dog, to cooking almost all of our meals, and making sure I nap, he really has taken on a huge share of the work. I feel sad that I'm not "helping" him more - and rather miss myself - my chores - laundry and cooking - as well as feeling like myself - both in body and mind. I know it will come, I am still hugely hormonal and almost crying at the sappiest things - and the weight is coming off - but I miss my clothes. I love my clothes! and not wearing them feels so odd. Plus I have no idea how to dress this new body - it's much curvier then my old one - 36DD's! A far cry from my 34B's!
That being said, there is nothing sweeter then watching Terry gently give Hank a bottle, change his diapers, and put him to bed. It's so beautiful - one of the many memories I will cherish on this journey of parenthood!
I know things will continue to change dramatically in the next couple months - and I look forward to the next challenges, even as I know Hank will never be so small again. Each day passes and I breath a sigh of relief that holds both the joys of motherhood and it's sweet sorrows.
There are been some rough days - I had mastitis during the 4th week - yikes that is hard and scary! Though I recovered quickly, it was 24 hours of basically sleeping and feeding Hank. I've been trying to learn from that lesson, and try not to do too much - to make sure I nap every day and drink enough liquid. We also had a visit from a lactation specialist - I was holding Hank too far forward and not pulling him close enough to my body when he eats. That helped a lot - but HHT is still a bit of a wiggly boy, who likes to try to use his hands when he eats - for what? I know not! and tries to push off the arm of the rocking chair when he gets' tired - the better to keep himself awake! He is a wily little boy - but I feel like I'm getting much better at reading his signs.
Hank has learned to smile in the past week and often wakes with a grin. He is eating well and now weighs over 10lbs - yikes, is going to keep growing like this? He has already grown out of his newborn clothes, though his 3-6 month outfits are pretty big. He really doesn't cry much, but squawks and coos to see if we are around. If we ignore him, he can work up quite a wail when he is serious. Now that we are at the 6th week, our schedule is beginning to stabilize. It's nice when I can actually plan for a shower! and we can eat without one of us running in to calm him. Also, since he is awake a bit more, we have more time to play!
He likes to listen to music, and I often play the list I made for him in itunes - I made it the first week or so he was home - and I think it might be time for a new one. I'll try to post it when I can. He really reacts to some of the songs, and it's fun to see his reaction.
I keep thinking - "wow, 6 weeks" it goes by so quickly! I cannot imagine how women deal with going back to work at this point - it's too soon. I can barely get a shower, dress myself and eat 3 times a day - and that is with Terry home full-time as well. I know we are lucky - our jobs give us so much more flexibility then most people, and this time off is heaven! I love just being with him - watching him wake up, seeing his smiles and chuckles, watching him watch things - he loves the ceiling fans! We do such a disservice to families in the US by not investing in maternity leave and child care the way other countries do. It breaks my heart to even think about going back to work - and it's not for 3 months still!
Today it is so hot! and has been - and will be. Hank is a little off his game - sleeping more, but not eating as well. Stress for Mommy - both mental and physical! It is so bad, we really can't take him out in this weather, so I'm starting to feel a little house bound! Because he isn't eating as well, his sleep schedule is off - arrgh! Just one more day and hopefully we will be back to "normal".
I can't say enough how much I am depending on Terry, or how much I am appreciating everything he is doing. From changing poopy diapers, to walking the dog, to cooking almost all of our meals, and making sure I nap, he really has taken on a huge share of the work. I feel sad that I'm not "helping" him more - and rather miss myself - my chores - laundry and cooking - as well as feeling like myself - both in body and mind. I know it will come, I am still hugely hormonal and almost crying at the sappiest things - and the weight is coming off - but I miss my clothes. I love my clothes! and not wearing them feels so odd. Plus I have no idea how to dress this new body - it's much curvier then my old one - 36DD's! A far cry from my 34B's!
That being said, there is nothing sweeter then watching Terry gently give Hank a bottle, change his diapers, and put him to bed. It's so beautiful - one of the many memories I will cherish on this journey of parenthood!
I know things will continue to change dramatically in the next couple months - and I look forward to the next challenges, even as I know Hank will never be so small again. Each day passes and I breath a sigh of relief that holds both the joys of motherhood and it's sweet sorrows.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Hank's Arrival
In an effort not to forget, I’m going to try to keep regular entries about my new life as a Mum, and Hank’s adventures in the big world.
Log Entry #1
06.02.08
It has been a busy and dramatic 5+weeks since Hank entered the world. Every day is a new adventure – filled with small joys and terrors. As we rode home from the hospital, (Thank you Auntie Marion, for getting the car and coming with us on our first trip!) I remember saying that every second of being pregnant and of labor and the cesarean were worth it – as Hank is the ultimate prize. Five weeks later, I would double that. Even when I’m tired and worn out and my patience is at an end, I could not imagine life without my little one. My world is transformed – I’m his Mummy.
Notes about Hank’s birth:
Hank was born exactly one week late. About 4am I began having contractions which moved quite rapidly and after a shower we loaded up and headed in a cab to the hospital. I was giddy with excitement and I’m sure huge hormone surge! Once there we quickly settled into a birthing room – right after the epidural – thank the lord! I never would have made it without that! My advice – if you are in serious pain, and I was, get the drugs! It really allows you to be present and enjoy the process. Not that my process went smoothly, or the way I hoped it might go.
Labor did not progress. By 11am we had already had one scare when Hank’s heart rate did not come back up after a contraction and Dr. Kaplan was concerned that if we waited much longer, he would be in further distress. At noon, we headed for the surgery and at 1:46 pm, Hank pulled out and began to wail! The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was trying to come out ear first – Dr. K. had never seen anything like it! Figures! Additionally, the Doc said he still thought Hank was too big to fit through my pelvis! Not that Hank was so big – 6lbs, 12 oz. And 18 inches long – but for my size and height, my pelvis is rather small.
It was a joy to hear his strong clear wail – and soon he was cleaned up, wrapped like a burrito and in his Daddy’s arms as they stitched me up. We managed to breast feed a bit, then went to our room to begin the process of recovery and getting to know each other. The few days in the hospital were a weird blur. Nurses coming and going, no real sleep, trying to learn to feed Hank. It was strange – and overall, I’m not convinced hospitals are designed to help you recover. Too much activity, not enough quite time – though the food was excellent!
My Dad arrived the morning after Hank was born, and there was something so reassuring about having him visit. I’m thrilled he got to meet him right away – to welcome him to the family so to speak. Other visitors included Marion, Bina and Rob, Cena and Alden, and Helen. It was so nice to see people – though I was easily tired. As I have found, life with a new baby, and recovery from a cesarean often leaves you tired. It has been frustrating to not be able to do the things I enjoy – sometimes even reading is too much - and I just need to nap.
In fact, I think that is what I’m off to do now!
More news soon!
Xx
alizabeth
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