The Bitter and the Sweet

at just past 2 months with Hank, there are so many moments that seem significant. They come and go so quickly, he changes from happy to sad to sleepy in just a minute. I wish I could say I have loved every minute - and in a way, I have, but it is also hard and sad and intense and nerve-wracking. I wish I felt like I knew what I was doing, but between the sleep deprivation, more on that later, and the new-ness of it all, I get pretty overwhelmed.

Which isn't to say there haven't been some amazingly sweet and wonderful times. Hank loves to interact with us, and generally breaks into a huge grin when he wakes up and we go in to get him. He loves to play while getting his diapers changed and thinks his bath is a riot - he laughs and splashes during it. I try to read to him every day, and have a collection of poems, A Family of Poetry, edited by Caroline Kennedy that we read from. He loves to hear my voice, and seems to delight in this simple, quiet, fun. Of course, he also "talks" back while I am reading. He likes to watch the ceiling fans go around, and tolerates tummy time sometimes quite well - he does let us know when he is done!

In general, he is a happy boy, very sweet and snugly. Except when he is not! And that generally involves going to sleep. Right now he is fighting sleep! Last week it was in the day-time, this week more at night. When he wakes up, he cannot get back to sleep, and I often find myself rocking him in the dark, trying not to fall completely asleep too. He is still in his pack and play to sleep, but is quickly getting so big, I wonder how long it will last. In general, he is growing so much - next week we go to the doctor and I'm dying to see how much he weighs! It seems like some mornings I go in to get him and he looks bigger then he did the night before!

About this, I find myself worrying, as I seem to be doing with everything. Is it ok that he is not on a more regular schedule? How will I figure out how to return to work? How will I ever find the time to exercise? What will happen to my body? Where is my brain? Will it come back? Will this kid ever go to sleep? I am tortured when I'm annoyed that he isn't sleeping, and of course, the lack of sleep for me doesn't help. I just hope in the next few weeks it all begins to sort out a bit more.